Crossing borders

During the time I've been involved with Listening Ear at supportforhealing, I've seen a lot of cries for help. Some were obviously more a cry for attention, some were genuinely distressed people who needed help to find their sense of self, once they did so they were able to pick themselves up and go on.

But nothing could prepare me for a conversation I had today, and it wasn't even at the Listening Ear hut.

My spirits rose when I saw the online notification for someone I haven't seen in Second Life for a very long time. I was quick to greet the person and establish an IM conversation. Very quickly I realised that there was a serious problem.

People in genuinely suicidal moods (as opposed to depression or clinical depression) generally fit into one of two categories. The easier category to deal with is those who do something that draws attention to their mood; they can often be quickly identified and, although it can often be difficult, they generally are doing whatever it was that was identifiable because at a very deep down level they DON'T want to give up their existence, which is what someone trying to help them can use to find the key to then help them rediscover their sense-of-self. The harder category are those few people who are meticulously putting everything in order so that they can just slip into oblivion without any fuss and with as few as possible noticing. The person I spoke to was in that category.

In such cases, the ONLY warning sign is the putting things in order. And in these situations since they've already given up, giving such a person reason to go on living is one of the hardest things in existence. It brought me up short, and through a wall of tears forced me to consider something very seriously.

When we first met and got talking, I established fairly early on that the person I was talking with was married. That, to me, puts someone firmly off limits. If a guy is in a relationship, that's a sign to me that they are not for me to try and dissuade for my own personal gain. And yes, I'll admit it, I was tempted having seen this guys heart to tell him to dump his lifemate and come be with me. Perhaps more tempted than I've ever been in my entire life. But I didn't, and now I'm forced to confront the possibility that this was the wrong choice.

In our all-too-short conversation today it became apparent that this person has completely given up. His partner, I've always felt, was not a good choice for him; she uses him shamelessly, is lazy and unsupportive, and would much prefer getting attention than giving it. He has a business, but he told me today that he's winding that up. Alarm bells started ringing. I found myself in shock, ticking off the signs of someone who has lost all hope. His soul, as it were, seemed like it was already dead, and the following of his body was just a formality. Glib as I have been from time to time at Listening Ear, I found myself totally lost for a way to find SOME assurance that he could examine, even cling to, in order to pull himself up from the edge. I still find myself fingering a credit card I can't really afford to use, contemplating heading straight for the airport. If I truly believed it would do any good, I would do it.

But I don't. All the signs are that he's given up, and if that's so then there is nothing I - or anyone else - can do. And if that's the case the best I can do is respect his wishes - give him dignity in his slipping off into oblivion.

But I'll mourn. Oh, how I will mourn if he does indeed slip beyond my help. So many things, so much could have been... so much could be lost. I know he reads this blog, and I'm not trying to guilt trip him. What he decides to do is his choice, and no matter how much it affects me, he will always have my support and my love. If he wasn't sure of it before, he can be now.

I will go on, for those who I can help, for those who have still got enough of a sense of self that I can reach out and touch them and help them find the will to go on. I'm a healer, it's what I do. It's all that I do.

Even when I can't reach those I love.

Stay safe.